Friend Is a Four Letter Word Read online

  He traces a line down my chest, between my breasts and down my stomach. I curl against his warm body, burying my face. “I don’t have to. We can stay.” I can feel him hard against my hip.

  “I want to, good God I want to, but I’ve got a couple of things to do. We need to get on the road.”

  I lock eyes and smile at him, just as I slip my hand under the blanket and decide to see just how quickly we have to get on the road.

  “I’ve got a couple of things to do, too.” I say.

  I was only successful in stalling Carter. We left an hour later than he wanted, but we still left. I try not to pout that we didn’t get to surf or enjoy each other more, but Carter seemed determined to get home for some reason.

  “I’m going to get the bags in,” Carter says as well pull up the apartment building. He quickly checks his watch. “Then I’m going to head out.”

  “Okay,” I say. I shove my hands in between my knees. I don’t know what to say, or to feel right now. Last night—last night was all new for me. I opened up in ways I never thought possible, I had sex with this gorgeous man, then fell asleep in his arms with the waves crashing and the fire dwindling. How much more perfect could an evening get? Except it must not have been that perfect. Something must have gone wrong, I must have said something—done something because since the moment I opened my eyes this morning, things have felt like they’re moving in reverse.

  I want to ask him where he’s going, but I don’t feel like I have the right to if he isn’t volunteering anything. Maybe I pushed too hard last night. He sure seemed willing, though. More than willing. He did things to me—made me feeling things that I never thought came from sex.

  “I’ll be home in time to grab something for dinner if you want,” he says. He rounds the car and then opens my door for me. “And this’ll give you a chance to relax, take a shower, whatever. I know that sand is killer.”

  “Right. Great.” I nod and pretend everything is fine even though I’m seething with anger and embarrassment. The entire reason I came out here was to figure out who I really am. To stop pretending to be something I’m not. I wanted to stop keeping my misery and emotions draped around me like a security blanket. Carter clutches our bags and I follow him up the staircase to his apartment. Even though I slept with him last night, even though I was closer to him than I’ve ever been to anyone else and woke up with his nose nuzzled in my tangled hair, it still feels strange to follow him into his house—where I belong even less than my parents place.

  Carter pushes the door open and goes straight to the bedroom to set the bags. When he comes back, I’m still hovering awkwardly in the open doorway, twisting my fingers and avoiding eye contact even though I can feel him staring at me.

  “Shayna,” he says my name like it’s a command. His voice is deep and throaty. An hour ago, my name spoken from those lips in that way would have been irresistible. Right now though, I need to do what’s right for me, and find out what the hell is going on.

  “Are you going to come inside?” he asks.

  I stay firmly planted, half-in, half-out of Carter’s apartment. “Depends. Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

  “What do you mean?” he tugs his shirt over his head revealing those delicious abs I’d love to touch again. I shake my head to clear those thoughts and he pulls a clean shirt on, thankfully. “I put the bags in the bedroom. It’s yours, by the way. I’ll take the couch while you stay here.”

  “The couch.” I repeat. “So last night…”

  Friends. He said it before and I chose to ignore the fact that actually may have meant it.

  “Last night was…” he runs his hand through his hair and blows out a low breath. “Last night was incredible, doll. Help yourself to anything. Take a nap. Whatever you want to do. I’ll be back soon.”

  He grabs his keys from the dish on the counter and walks toward the door. Toward me.

  “Are you… are you seeing someone?” I ask. I have to know. I’ve been the other woman before, it’s never bothered me for a second, but this is the new Shayna. I need to know.

  Carter shakes his head and laughs a little. “What do you think, Shayna?”

  I purse my lips. “I think that’s not a real answer.”

  “We’ll talk when I get home. I really have to go.”

  He kisses me on the cheek and slips out the door behind me. I have no other choice but to go inside. Where the hell else am I going to go?

  I shower, change and make myself some lunch, all the while trying to figure out when a good time to slip out and start the long drive home will be. Before Quinn comes back to town? Like I was never even here? Before Carter even comes back from wherever he is? Do I wait around to say goodbye to him: thanks for the best sex of my life, but I’ll be going now?

  I take another small bite of my turkey sandwich and ponder my next move. If I go back, how pissed are Mom and Dad going to be that I put them through all of this, to just turn right back around because a guy made me sad? To go home having learned nothing, having gained nothing. If I go home, do I tell them the truth about everything? How I’ve been living a lie? How I know I’m not really theirs?

  “Carter? Knock-knock!” Quinn’s voice calls as the front door slowly opens.

  “Quinn?” I yell back, dropping the sandwich back onto my plate and rushing for the door. She flings it the rest of the way open and stares at me, trying to make sense of what she’s seeing.

  “Hey Shayna,” Ben says casually from behind her. His arms are loaded down with bags, but he still has one hand on her tiny waist, like he’s her lifeline. And maybe he is.

  “Shayna, what the hell?” Quinn yelps.

  I do something completely uncharacteristic for either one of us and pull her into a tight hug.

  “Your hair is wet. Did you just shower? Wait—”

  “I did. I came to visit with you and you guys weren’t around. So Carter let me crash here until you got back.” I nervously kick at the carpet, trying to explain everything as quickly as possible with as few details as possible. “I’m sorry to show up without calling, it was just a spur of the moment idea and then you guys were gone and—”

  “We were up north! Where is Carter?” Quinn peeks around me.

  “You know, I’m not really sure, we haven’t talked much,” I lie.

  “Quinn, I’m going to go put this stuff up,” Ben says. “Good to see you, Shayna.”

  “We’re coming,” Quinn says. “You want to come over to our place, Shay?”

  “You guys just got home, I don’t want to intrude.”

  “Don’t be an idiot,” Quinn says. I suddenly feel more at home than I have all day now that I have Quinn’s sharp tongue around. “Come on, it’s just down the hall.”

  “Should I—do you think I should leave Carter a note or something?”

  Quinn waves at me. “Nah, he’ll figure it out. He’s a smart one.”

  No, he’s a complete and total dumb ass, I want to say.

  Ben opens the door to their apartment and I easily remember my shock at the modern starkness of Carter’s apartment in comparison to what imagined Quinn and Ben’s place to look like. And it is exactly as I imagined.

  A living room lined with shelves that hold photos of the two of them, knick-knacks, and cook books. Large framed pieces of Ben’s work. Brightly colored, almost sensual. They’re beautiful and warm. I wish my life felt like one of these photographs.

  “Can I get you anything, Quinn? Shayna?” Ben asks as he pulls the refrigerator door open and grabs a bottle of water.

  “No, baby, I’m good. You, Shayna?”

  “I’m fine, thanks.” I say.

  “Alright then. I’m gonna go see if I can catch what little daylight is left over by the water,” Ben says. He slings his camera over his shoulder and spins the bottle of water in his large palm. The dude is huge. And hot. If Quinn didn’t somehow snag him back in high school, he would have had his pick of anyone—including me back then. I had my eye on
him from the second he stepped foot on our shitty high schools’ campus. Tall, with dark hair and eyes and the kindest smile I’d ever seen on a guy. But I wasn’t into nice guys back then—not long term, and Ben, he wasn’t into casual. So he ended up with Quinn even if she tried to rip his heart out and stomp on it a few times for good measure. They’re here and they’re happy. It works, and I’m crazy happy for them.

  Quinn rolls his eyes where he can’t see. “Him and that camera,” she mouths, cracking the smallest smile so I know she’s not completely annoyed.

  “Hey, I didn’t even bring it with me up north, that trip was all about you.” Ben says. “See ya.” He leans down and kisses Quinn deeply, like he couldn’t give a shit less that I’m sitting four feet away from her. “Later, Shayna. Let me know if you girls want me to bring home anything for dinner.”

  “Love you,” Quinn calls.

  “You too, baby,” he says before he closes the door.

  Quinn smacks my arm . “Alright, what the hell are you doing here?”

  “I thought you said it was fine,” I say.

  “Of course it is, but showing up without calling? That’s not like you. What about school? What about your parents?”

  “It’s a really long story. But it’s all fine, I promise. I really just wanted to visit.”

  “Okay,” Quinn says. She rubs her finger over her slick, polish nail. She’s not buying it. She once was the queen of telling people what they wanted to hear, maybe she still is, so she lets it slide. “Are you hungry?”

  I shake my head. I’m tired. I want to go back to that moment before I opened my eyes this morning when I still felt Carter’s strong arm wrapped around me. When I didn’t regret pouring my heart out to a guy I don’t really know all that well, but sort of wished I did.

  “Where’d you guys go?” I ask.

  Quinn grins and folds her hands in her lap. “Okay, so I got this invite to help host an underground culinary event.”

  “Underground? Like, literally?”

  “No, spaz. It’s just a secret. You have to get a special invitation. You get a secret address and all of that. Very exclusive. Very cool. I was able to help meal plan and cook with Chef Robert Grider,” she says. “He’s this hugely talented chef that is totally up and coming. I learned so much about pairings and techniques. It was… amazing.”

  “That sounds fantastic. Good for you.”

  “And you? How long are you in town for?”

  “I’m not sure,” I say.

  “What about school. It’s started already, right?”

  I nod.

  “Okay, so, what am I missing?” Quinn asks.

  I pull my hands up inside my sweater. “I just needed a break. You know how that goes.”

  Quinn nods. “I do. But you—this isn’t like you.”

  I appreciate her concern, I really do. But I feel like I’m in the backseat of a car, struggling with the clasp on my shoe right now. “I think I’m going to go outside. Get some air.”

  I stand up and start toward the door.

  “Shayna,” Quinn says, getting up from the couch and following me. “You are one-hundred-percent welcome to stay with us for as long as you want. I mean it.”

  I half think about pulling Quinn in for another awkward hug when there’s a knock on the door. Fast and hard. Again and again.

  Quinn brushes past me and pulls the door open. “Carter, hey.”

  “Hey, Quinnlette, I didn’t know you were home. I was looking for—”

  “Here I am,” I say. I give a quick, half-hearted wave.

  “Super good to see you, too, bro,” Quinn says. She playfully crinkles her nose at her brother and he sneers back at her.

  “You eat? I can make something.”

  “I’m fine,” he says, without looking at his sister. He zeroes in on me instead. “Are you okay?”

  “Why wouldn’t I be?”

  “You just left—I saw your food on the counter—no note—”

  “Jesus, Carter, she was just down the hall,” Quinn says. She takes a bite off a carrot stick and eyes her brother and me.

  “Okay,” Carter says. He shoves his hands in his pockets. “I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

  “I’m great,” I say, my voice void of all emotion.

  “Good. Are you going to hang out here, or are you coming back with me?”

  “What?” Quinn asks. “What do you mean coming back with you? Is something—”

  “I just mean all of her stuff is at my place,” Carter interrupts.

  “Oh,” Quinn replies. “I was just telling her she could stay here. We only have one bedroom, but you’re welcome to the couch, it’s more comfortable than it looks.”

  “Her stuff is already set up in my room,” Carter bends the truth. I have nothing but the crappy duffle bag I came in with.

  “Your room, huh?” Quinn says, her voice is prickly with accusation.

  “Easy, Quinn. I took the couch,” he says. “You and Ben need your privacy. Plus you work and go to school, you’re never around. Ben is always slipping in and out at weird hours to go to the studio. She can come back with me. I already told her that.”

  “I’m right here,” I finally say. I should be flattered that they are both basically fighting over who gets to entertain me as a houseguest, but I feel pathetic.

  In the way.

  And homeless.

  “It’s up to you, Shayna. You’re welcome to stay with Ben and I. And I’m a better cook,” Quinn sneers at her brother. It’s the most ridiculous, endearing display of sibling rivalry I’ve ever witnessed. It almost makes me jealous. And for the first time since I found out that my parents aren’t my real parents, I wonder if I had siblings. If it was just me that my birth mother didn’t want. I can’t believe I’ve never questioned it before, whether there is protective older brother, or a snotty little sister that I was robbed of. I may never know the answer to that.

  “You cool staying back at my place, Shay? Give the love birds their space?” Carter asks, raising a challenging eyebrow at me.

  “Absolutely,” I say with a faux smile. “It’s just down the hall and my stuff is already there.”

  “Cool,” Quinn says. “You guys entertain yourselves then for a bit? I want to unpack and take a quick shower, we’ve been on the road all damn day.”

  “Sure thing, Quinnlette,” Carter says. “Why don’t Shayna and I take care of dinner? We’ll bring something back by in a couple of hours?”

  “Sounds good. Not that Thai place you like though. All of their sauces taste like feet,” Quinn calls from her bedroom.

  “You’re an asshole,” I mutter under my breath.

  “For giving you a place to stay?” Carter counters. He gives me the cockiest smirk I’ve ever seen and then says, “Let’s get home, doll.”

  I stomp down the hall after him and as soon as the door is closed behind us say, “Home my ass! You knew I wouldn’t turn you down in front of Quinn. That if I did it’d look weird. You can’t freaking hold me hostage, Carter.”

  Carter steps in close to me. So close I can smell a fresh, citrusy scent. He must have showered before he came over to Quinn’s like a barbarian to track me down. “I’m not holding you hostage, doll. I’m just being a good friend.”

  I take a step back even though I’m so angry I want to punch him in the throat. He moves with me until my back is pressed up against the wall.

  “I missed you,” he says.

  “Wh—”

  But he cuts my question off with his lips. Hard and hungry on mine. It’s only been a couple of hours but I missed him too. He pushes the hair off of my neck and replaces it with the warmth of his lips. Still, I push him away.

  “That is not how you kiss a friend,” I say, catching my breath.

  “Do you want me to stop?” he asks.

  I shake my head. “I just want you to be straight with me, Carter. What’s going on? One minute you’re skipping out on me, the next you’re kissing me l
ike you can’t stand to be away from me.”

  “I don’t want to be away from you,” he says. “And that’s crazy, right? We’ve talked on the phone, but… But the truth is, I’ve thought about you—I’ve thought about that Christmas Eve talk. I’ve wondered about you every day since then.”

  “You have?” I’m gob smacked. “Why?”

  “Why?” Carter repeats, like I’ve just asked the most absurd question ever. “Because you’re so god damn beautiful. And smart. And so—” he links his fingers through mine and kisses my knuckles. “So sexy. Even if you’re so wounded—”

  I drop my hand. “I’m not a project for you, Carter.”

  “I didn’t say that. I just meant that you don’t realize how amazing you are. And me feeling like this—me wondering about you for the last several months—you showing up here—that just wasn’t part of the plan.”

  “Do you want me to leave?”

  “Of course not,” he says. “I want you here with me.” He loops his finger through the belt loop of my jeans and tugs me closer. “I want you closer to me.”

  I slip my hand up his shirt and feel his warm skin and taut abs. He sucks in a quick breath through his teeth, and grins down at me.

  “Because, I can still go,” I tease. I rub small, soft circles with my index finger on his skin. “If you want to continue this pretense of you and I being friends, fine.”

  “It fucking physically aches not to take you right here and now, Shay,” he says. His voice is ragged. “And that’s why I had to bail earlier. Because I know if I do—if I cross that line, there’s no turning back. There’s no way to not screw this up if I give in.”

  “You’re not going to screw up anything, Carter.”

  He sits in one of the chairs and pulls me down onto his lap.

  “Tell me you want me to leave,” I say. I shift my weight slightly, like I may get up and walk away. It takes only that slight movement for Carter to grip my hips and pull me back down to him.

  “I just… There have to be some boundaries. For both of our sakes. Until we figure out what exactly we’re doing.”

  “How’s this for boundaries?” I ask. I pull my shirt up over my head. “Am I crossing any lines here?” I’m half joking, half waiting for him to shut things down again.